


Too Close

by msraven



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Character Death Fix, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-12
Updated: 2012-10-12
Packaged: 2017-11-16 03:40:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/535076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msraven/pseuds/msraven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil Coulson's not dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hello and Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Title and lyrics from Too Close by Alex Clare.

_You know I'm not one to break promises_  
 _I don't want to hurt you but I need to breathe_  
 _At the end of it all, you're still my best friend_  
 _But there's something inside that I need to release_  
 _Which way is right, which way is wrong_  
 _How do I say that I need to move on_  
 _You know we're headed separate ways_

_And it feels like I am just too close to love you_  
 _There's nothing I can really say_  
 _I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more_  
 _Got to be true to myself_  
 _And it feels like I am just too close to love you_  
 _So I'll be on my way_

"Phil Coulson's not dead."

Hawkeye had known there was something critical about Fury not saying Coulson was alive. He'd been right. Coulson had been in stasis for over a year after the Chitauri invasion - not really alive, but not dead either. 

That was three months ago. Fury had gotten a lead on a doctor being held by Hydra who specialized in tissue regeneration. Hawkeye was sent in to retrieve the doctor and had nearly lost his hearing in the process. But he'd gotten the doctor to SHIELD and now Coulson was out of stasis. 

Bruce walked up and put a gentle hand on Clint's shoulder.

"It worked?" Clint asked. Beneath all the monitor wires and various plastic tubes, Coulson's chest rose and fell with each breath.

"Yes, it worked," Banner replied. "They'll probably start bringing him out of the heavy sedation tomorrow."

"Okay," Clint sighed and turned to face his assembled team.

"You're leaving," Tony accused. The billionaire's arms were crossed over his chest and his jaw clenched. Clint knew that Tony was angry, but he also knew that, of all the others, only Stark fully understood. The other Avengers had some idea, but it was Tony that Clint had bared his soul to on the roof all those months ago.

"I've already talked to Fury. He understands."

"Fury thinks you'll be back," said Natasha.

"No he doesn't," Clint countered softly. "And neither do you."

"I still don't understand…"

Clint turned to look at Steve, glad for a reason to turn away from Natasha.

"The Avengers was his dream," Clint interrupted. "Coulson died to make it happen. He deserves a chance to be a part of it now. I can't...I...I _need_ to leave. This is my choice, my request."

"We don't have to like it," Tony spat out. 

"No, you don't," Clint agreed.

"Running away shouldn't be an answer," said Bruce softly. 

The doctor ducked his head when Clint met his gaze levelly. "Sometimes, running is the only option."

"We'll take good care of him," promised Tony into the silence that followed. Clint couldn't speak through the lump in his throat. Who would have thought that a poor, orphaned circus performer would eventually find kinship with a genius billionaire? For the first time since he'd made his decision, Hawkeye wished there was another way, but there wasn't.

Clint shared a shaky smile with Stark before he turned and walked toward the bed. He brushed feather-light fingers across a brow that, for once, wasn't creased with worry.

"Goodbye, Coulson."


	2. Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They told him his name was Phil Coulson.

_You gave me more that I can return_  
 _Yet there's so much that you deserve_  
 _Nothing to say, nothing to do,_  
 _I've nothing to give_  
 _I must leave without you_  
 _You know we're headed separate ways_

_And it feels like I am just too close to love you_  
 _There's nothing I can really say_  
 _I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more_  
 _Got to be true to myself_  
 _And it feels like I am just too close to love you_  
 _So I'll be on my way_

_So I'll be on my way_

They told him his name was Phil Coulson. They told him that he worked for some shadowy government agency with a long name that everyone just called SHIELD. They told him that he'd been stabbed through the heart and he was alive through some miracle of modern technology. They told him that he'd been asleep for over a year and that memory loss was to be expected. They told him it would all come back in time as he re-familiarized himself with his old life. It didn't.

Most of his memories came back, but he knew there was something missing - something important. Any time he asked the others about it, they looked away and made some excuse. Phil tried to convince himself that maybe it was better for him not to remember.

Four months into his miracle recovery, Phil walked into Stark's lab to find him yelling at one of his many robots. Phil hadn't re-learned all of their names.

"Damn it, Dummy! I miss him too, but you need to stop moping around and breaking things."

The machine only let out a pitying whine. "Clllliiiiinnnt."

Phil froze. _Clint. Barton. Where was Barton?!_ All the missing memories came flashing back and hit Phil like a physical wave - Barton laughing, Barton compromised, Loki. _How could he have forgotten Barton?_ He staggered back against the wall and slid to the floor. Stark was suddenly at his side.

"Holy crap. Coulson! Are you okay? Are you having a heart attack? JARVIS!"

Phil fought through the memories suddenly crowding into his brain. "Barton," he gasped.

Stark's face fell. "He's gone."

Phil felt his heart seize and all the blood drain out of his face.

"No! Not that," Stark corrected. "He's alive, just gone. He left."

The others arrived and Phil brushed off Banner's hands to stand on his own. He took a few steps away from the Avengers and took several deep breaths to calm himself down. They'd all been hiding this for months. How could they have let him go this long knowing what he didn't remember?

Phil spun around. "Where did he go?" he asked through gritted teeth. 

"We don't know," replied Natasha. "We all agreed not to track him."

Phil shouldered past the group and up the stairs. He made his way to SHIELD HQ and felt a small sense of satisfaction in making Fury jump when his office door slammed into the wall. Phil caught it on the ricochet and shut it with enough force to make the walls shake.

"Where's Barton?" Phil demanded.

Fury relaxed back in his seat. "I don't know. Barton requested to be relieved of duty and I granted it on the condition he not return to his previous occupation."

"You just let him _leave_?" Phil asked, incredulous.

"His reasons were sound and I trust him to keep his word." Fury sighed. "He's done great work for us over the years. He's sacrificed enough. He deserves a chance at a new life."

"Fuck that." Phil clenched his fists in barely controlled rage. "I'm going after him." After all the work Coulson had put into keeping Barton in SHIELD, he couldn't believe Fury had just let him walk away.

Fury's mouth twitched as if this was exactly the reaction he wanted from Coulson. "As part of our agreement with former-Agent Barton, SHIELD cannot aid you in your search."

"I don't need SHIELD," Phil spat and stormed back out of the office.

Phil returned to the mansion and was informed by JARVIS that Stark was waiting for him in the lab.

"Why?" Tony asked once Phil was in the door. Stark pushed angrily away from the table he'd been leaning against when Phil didn't respond immediately. "Look, I know you weren't around for this. But Clint was - _is_ my friend. I don't make those easily, so if you're going to ask me to break a promise I made to him, you need to give me a damn good reason."

"He belongs in SHIELD," Phil responded firmly.

Stark crossed his arms and shook his head. "Not good enough." 

"You don't understand," Phil said in a near growl.

"Then make me understand!" Stark yelled back.

The two men faced off for a full minute before Coulson dropped his head.

"SHIELD was the only way for me to keep him," Phil said softly. Stark remained silent and waited for the agent to continue. "Hawkeye was an assassin for hire. A killer. A monster. Fury sent me after him. I was sent to kill him."

"But you brought him in," Stark prodded. 

"The kill order remained over his head for the first six months he was at SHIELD," Coulson revealed. "It was pretty touch and go for the first three months."

"You never killed him."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen!" Phil confessed. "I couldn’t make myself be the one to destroy him, so I latched on to the last shred of humanity I could find in his eyes and I turned him back. But I knew I wouldn't be enough, could never be enough to keep him. So I gave him the only thing that could keep him with me. I gave him SHIELD."

"You were wrong," Stark said with certainty. "JARVIS, start the search program."

"Already running, sir."

Stark handed Phil a tablet. "You were wrong," he repeated. "Before you go after him, you need to watch this, and figure out exactly what you want to do when you find him."

Phil frowned and looked down at the tablet when Barton's voice floated out of it. 

"Are you trying to be sincere, Stark? Cuz you look like you're going to be sick."

Phil smirked and ran his fingers reverently over Barton's image on the tablet. 

_I'm coming for you, Hawkeye._


	3. Equals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know the worst part? I can't even mourn.

_And it feels like I am just too close to love you_  
 _There's nothing that I can really say_  
 _I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more_  
 _Got to be true to myself_  
 _And it feels like I am just too close to love you_  
 _So I'll be on my way_

"Were you in love with him?" Stark asked.

"I don't know," Clint answered. "I wanted to be."

"What kind of answer is that?"

"It's the only one I have," Clint responded with a shrug. "You need to understand...there's a fine line between devotion and love. I think that for two people to really love each other, for it to last, they need to come into it as equals. Coulson and I were never equals."

"Why not?" Stark asked, genuinely curious. 

"Because he was so much _more_ than I could ever be. When he tracked me down, there wasn't much of a person left. But he found something, however small, and he nurtured it. He saved me. More than that...he _made_ me. Coulson was the one person whose orders I would follow without question."

The silence stretched for a beat and then two before Tony gasped. "Loki."

"Yeah," Clint said with disgust. "Fucking Loki. He took the one truly good thing in my life and he twisted it. Used it to turn me back into everything I hated."

It was quiet for a moment until Clint let out a brittle, nasty laugh. "You know the worst part? I can't even mourn. There are days when I miss him so much that it physically hurts. Then it gets all twisted up with Loki and I'm _glad_ Coulson's not here because I don't know what I'd do if he tried to give me a fucking order. There's this instant when I'm happy Coulson's dead before I remember I helped Loki kill him and the guilt nearly overwhelms me. It's this cycle that runs over and over and all I want to do is put a bullet in my brain to make it stop."

"So why haven't you?" asked Stark quietly.

"Because I know that's the one thing Coulson _wouldn't_ want - for Loki to win. So I'm still here and I'm going to be the best damn Avenger I can be. It's the last thing he asked me to do."

Phil paused the video and leaned his head back against the driver's seat. He looked over at the driveway that wound up the small hill and disappeared into the trees. After all the time and effort and thousands of miles of travel, Phil was less than 200 yards from Clint and he couldn't make himself get out of the car. He forced himself to glance down at the lost look in Clint's eyes and finally opened the car door.

The old house had once been beautiful, but was now neglected and run down. Phil could see that there'd already been work done on the roof and that the exterior siding was in progress. Clint was in the front yard sanding down another piece of siding. His jeans rode low on his hips, a shirt tucked into a back pocket, and his skin glowed bronze in the early afternoon sun. Clint made four more passes with the sander before he straightened and faced the house, shoulders tense.

"Go home, Coulson. I'm not going back."

"It's a beautiful house." Phil took a few steps closer and watched as Clint's shoulders tensed a fraction more. He kept walking until he was only a step or two away from Clint and imagined that he could feel the heat radiating from the other man. "I haven't done much renovation work except paint, but I'm a fast learner."

"Coulson…"

"It's Phil actually."

"What are you doing here?" Clint asked, sounding pained.

"I'm hoping you could use some help. I'm between jobs right now." That has Clint spinning around to finally look at Phil. Even through his shock, Phil doesn't miss how Barton's eyes travel hungrily over his face, noting any changes since he last saw him.

"What did you _do_?"

"I resigned from SHIELD a week ago," Phil responded calmly.

"You can't-"

"I can," Phil interrupted. "And I did."

"You need to go back, Coulson. The Avengers are more important than-"

Phil didn't want to hear Clint finish his comment, so he took a step forward and placed his hand on Clint's chest, over his heart. Phil felt a small tremor run through the younger man as he stopped mid-sentence and closed his eyes.

"It's _Phil_ ," Coulson stressed, taking another half-step closer. "And there has never been _anything_ more important than you."

Clint's eyes flew open and Phil's heart clenched at the fear and despair he saw there. Clint's eyes bored into Phil's - he hoped his conveyed whatever Clint needed to see. Phil felt a tentative hand touch the side of his neck and let himself lean into it with a small, relieved smile. Phil watched as the fear gave way to awe and affection as Clint smiled back. 

"Hi, Phil."

"I love you, Clint," Phil responded and let his determination ring clearly in his voice. "No more SHIELD. No more debts. Nothing but us, here, together - equals." 

Clint's eyes widened at his words and Phil willed him to believe that this was the right thing for them both. He waited, breath held, until Clint gave a small nod. Phil closed the last distance between them. 

They were far from healed, but they had time and each other to soothe their deepest wounds. 

_So I'll be on my way_  
 _So I'll be on my way_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just sharing a little bit of how this fic came to be:
> 
> 1\. The lyrics of this song has always struck me as unbelievably sad. It struck some weird chord in me and I couldn't get it out of my head. (No freaking clue why Microsoft would choose this for a commercial...seriously...listen to the actual lyrics!)
> 
> 2\. In the movie, Hawkeye isn't really mind-controlled. He's still technically himself, just working for Loki instead of SHIELD. It got me to thinking about how exactly this worked. Who did Barton think he was serving so well? (Because he pretty much took out SHIELD single-handed. Loki and the Chitauri didn't come in to the picture until the end, really.) What if he thought he was still following Coulson's orders? Wouldn't that totally mess him up after the fact? What would happen if Coulson didn't actually die?
> 
> 3\. There have been a few fics out there where Clint tries to leave SHIELD and Coulson drags him back. What if that actually isn't the right answer? Could Coulson do the right thing? (Their relationship with SHIELD is just as important as their relationship with each other.)
> 
> 4\. I'm pretty enamored with the idea of Clint and Tony being friends. They're backgrounds/histories are very different, but very similar at the same time. In the end, they're just normal men who've done extraordinary things with their innate talent.
> 
> 5\. I'm incapable of writing sad endings. I tried, really I did. "Goodbye, Coulson" was the original ending. See how that turned out? Ugh.


End file.
